Is anyone "listening" to this...Or is it just me?

It feels like ages since I have posted something, and it would appear that it has been awhile, but then again, it hasn't been a much larger gap than in the past. It seems that when there is time to report on the happenings, there are no happenings to report. And now that I have things to tell you, I haven't the time to sit down and ramble away about it all. But then it occurred to me...is anyone actually even reading these ramblings anyway? This question is raised because as of yet, I have recieved no comments on my blog or any posts. Perhaps this is because the comment feature is not working. Perhaps this is because no one is commenting. Perhaps this is because no one is reading this. But whatever the case, this blog will still stand as a reminder for me of this time in my life, which in the last few weeks has held a myriad of balancing factors for me. Though this is not unusual, as life contains so many yin and yang moments that I know I often glaze over them, I am taking notice of some of the more recent ones as they seem to be in-my-face obvious. And from this state of noticing, one of the things I can say, with some degree of certainty, that I have figured out about this portion of the adventure that is my life is that for every bit of stability, there is an element of instability to force me to focus on keeping my balance. So here is my tightrope walk of the last few weeks in hopes that someone else is reading this besides me.

It has been four and a half weeks since my "vacation" fully and totally ended and life has been full of change, per usual. Things at work have proved to be in constant flux, but in an entirely different way from the first three months here, as we have started our summer camp program now. These kids come for the entire week (for the first week) then for a run of two weeks with some repeat students from the first week, and I am now staring through the sight at the final week of camp. With such a high turn over of kids usually, this slightly slower cycling through has proven to bring new appreciation all the way around. I have thoroughly enjoyed the chance to get to know so many of these kids on a better level than I ever could with them just being at the school for two or three days. Their personalities really come out as they get more and more comfortable with the staff and the other students. I have been tested as a teacher, a person, and a possessor of patience (of which it seems I am acquiring more and more of in my advancing wisdom). Friday saw the end of the two week camp and it was bitter sweet for me. There were some students I was beyond happy to see leave for what I can only hope will be the last time. But there were also students that I found myself hoping would be signed up for the upcoming week's camp. Hmm. Interesting. Who knew--she really does have a soft spot for kids. But if you tell anyone, I'll have to kill you.

So on the daily work front there is the stability in the students balanced by the somewhat unstable state/territory of the whole camp setup and how it works and at times doesn't work. I can see this same duality mirrored in the afterwork aspect of my life as well. The instability of the departure of people I would rather have seen stay longer in my life is being balanced by the stability of the addition of some really key note players in the "Tamera's gonna really enjoy her time here in Korea" area. And I have to say that the presence of these new people has me smiling, with a huge amount of gratitude, to have my usual good fortunes back. I was beginning to wonder if another one of those things I was supposed to get from this time here was the ability to pull myself back from the brink of what I can only describe as the bottomless sadness of loneliness. Please don't take that the wrong way. I really am just fine here in Korea. Honest. I've just had a lot of time to think (and you all know how dangerous THAT can be!) and I have been wondering about my abilities to be content with just my own company. This is where I dart off on a tangent. So hold on and try to follow the signs. I'll leave breadcrumbs, I promise, so we can get back to the original path.

If you don't know already, I will tell you now how big of a fan I am of the five love languages. Mine are quality time spent and physical touch. If this means nothing to you or you would rather not learn more, skip ahead to the triple asterisks below as that will be the cue that I am back on the path, otherwise, we are off deeper into this tangent.

Quality time spent means that I feel happiest, most loved, when I get to spend good, quality time, with quality people I care about. It has nothing to do with the quantity of time or people that this quality time is spent with, only the fact that both the time and the people are indeed quality. This quality time spent with quality people makes me feel like I am a valuable person, loved, special, and all the rest of the warm fuzzies you care to attach to such a feeling. At home, and in my travels until this most recent stint, I have been fortunate enough to have either a few bits of quality time with a quantity of (quality) people, or a quantity of quality time from a few (quality) people. But either way, the quality of the people was certain, and I have always had enough quality time to make me feel loved beyond measure.

Then, I came to Korea. And the ability to have even a phone conversation with my quality people became difficult if not impossible at times. And then there was the added complication of the LACK of quality of the people around me. All this totaled up to one usually fulfilled girl feeling minus some seriously needed quality in her life. And thereby lonesome, homesick, and in need of a boost. I tried to tell myself that perhaps I just needed to be enough in my life to make myself happy. But when it comes down to it, life is not a solid orb surrounding each of us individually and keeping us separate. It is a semipermeable membrane through which others freely flow in and out and thereby greatly affect us. And I haven't come to much more of a conclusion about what this all means for/to me other than I know I deeply cherish my friends and am trying to work every day on being the kind of person that if I only had quality time with myself this would still afford me a sense of contentment, fullness, and completeness (though I don't know if this is possible) that I feel when I spend time with those I care so much for and who care so much for me.

So on this tangent into the woods of my mind I would like to sit down on the semi-cleared path I have made and say to those that may be reading this that I have ever said "I love you" to, it is true. I do love you. And I miss you. And I am thankful for any and every second that I have or will have you in my life. Now, let's dust off and head back to the actual path of this post, shall we?

***So I've seen the solid and not-so-solid of work life, social life, and now for the personal aspect of it. I have seen some interesting things come out of my personality with my time here in Korea thus far. I have seen the stability and steadfastness of some traits and the instability of fleetingness of others. For good or bad, I am processing the changes coming forth and back. I am sorting out the ones that I would like to make a more permanent resident of my person and leaving others in the bin for someone else to pick up if they so chose. But some things I know for sure are: I appreciate a positive attitude where I can find it, a kindness when it is given regardless of the giver, the reminiscent comfort of all things that are "home," and myself. I appreciate myself. Even on my bad days. Even when no one else within arms reach does. I do. And THAT is enough, even if at times it may not feel like it, I know that it is. So, if no one else reads the words that I have written here, I wrote them anyway, for me.