Death, Taxes, and Change

After clearing the air or my chest or something like that with my last post, I realized that I hadn't really told about much of anything that has in fact been going on here with me. So, two posts in a weeks time, some venting, some details, and I think we should be squared away.

We all go through change: meet people, leave people, people leave us, change jobs, new things opening, things closing, people moving from here to there, buying, selling, and all the like that are just part of life. Regular life hands us plenty of opportunities to get comfortable with change, that's for sure. And for some, it never seems to get easier, but as we grow up and advance in our years and our wisdom, we get better at dealing with change (because you know what they say, practice makes perfect!). Since the departure of my houseguest in mid July, as my last post described, Korea has both given and taken away a lot in my life. I will say now that if anyone ever has the urge to work on being able to deal with change better then Korea is the place to go. Everything here (at least in my portion of the world known as Korea) is on hyper speed fast forward.  There are so many people so close together (literally on top of each other at more times of their life than not) and an attitude of "get it done and get it done 10 minutes ago!" is so prevalent I don't know how these folks are not double fisting Valium and Vicadin like candy. Everything is bahlie, bahlie, bahlie (fast, fast, fast) in life here and that means the changes come as close together as the people are crammed.

With these changes coming so fast and so often, you begin to get a bit desensitized to them. It's almost like change overload and in order to cope and deal, you have to just allow everything to be extremely fluid. You can't hold on to much of anything (or anyone) for long. It's nearly impossible to be sad for more than a few days about the loss of someone or some thing because there will be someone/thing else to fill the vacancy before the space even reaches room temperature and your heart can fully mourn. Not to mention the fact that there will also be at least six additional changes thrown your way within a day to help distract you from what should have been a very sad loss. Similarly, the high of the good things/happy times seems to be short lived as opposed to amplified. To say that life in Korea is a roller coaster (literally and emotionally) is extremely accurate. Here is a list of some of the changes/semi-major events of the past month that I can remember. This is not a complete list by any means.

When my heart needed it most, I was shown sublime kindness and got an extremely needed helping hand. Then a beat later, lost connection with this person as it was time for a relocation.

Began what would prove to be one of the best pen pal relationships I have ever had.

A new, temporary Korean teacher, Sylvia, started to help with camp.

Camp started and an influx of smiling, beautiful children came into my school, my life, and my heart.

Two week students on final day of camp

Stella. Such a beautiful personality. Will miss her.

Hayden, Louis, Harry, Nick, and Max

Paul. He knows the capital of EVERY country.

Angela. Such a sweet little girl.

I met an awesome new friend through the advances of technology (see, it's not all bad Tamera. Embrace the internet and all it's glorious splendor--yeah right).

Mel and I and an important book...

I said goodbye (not knowing if for good or for just 5 weeks) to my best friend in Korea.




I met two beautiful souls that I could not be more thankful for.

Welcome friend! Maggie and I in Busan

I spent my first night singing (off key and too loudly I'm sure) at a noribang (Karaoke bar).

Started to feel like a real teacher: finally settling into what it is that I'm doing here.

Realizing that though I say and believe I have let go of some things, the emotional connection to them remains long after. It's one of those "time heals all wounds" kind of things. Guess it just hasn't been long enough yet.

Saw the first group of summer camp kids leave, which was somewhat sad, but refreshed with the second group and some from the first week returning to GEV for our two week summer camp.

Feeling the level of my patience waxing and waning, but knowing that the amount of patience I have now far exceeds that which I possessed only a year or two ago.

An influx of gratitude for so much that it is too innumerable to list all the things here: but I am creating yet another list of 100 things that make me happy and am having no problems compiling it to say the least.

Got into my very first two-wheeled vehicle accident (not my fault, by the way).

The left knee post scooter incident

The left forearm post face first slide

Got to experience what it is to heal in Korea; the slow, sometimes two steps forward, one step back process (both physically and emotionally).

My first typhoon and monsoon.

So many things and changes that I am missing out on back home: babies, kids growing up, parties, people, new jobs, moves, job changes, going back to school, economic and political nonsenses,  starting school/university, family reunions, and all the things that have not been relayed to me here so far, far away.

My Smith family reunion

The confrontation of a festering issue at work, directly followed by a resolution, and a friendship.

From the looks of the weather report, the change of yet another season here on the island. Though they tell me rainy season is over, I have a hard time believing it, but the temperatures are suggesting that summer might be.

All the ups and downs that come with building a relationship with someone, regardless of the nature or intention of it.

Michael, my fav, and his fav teacher

The love of a child, simply because.

Syliva's signing of a year contract as a permanent teacher with GEV.

The continued formation of a much needed friendship (for both of us).

Korean coworker Michelle's last day Friday.

The news of another Korean coworker's departure on Monday.

Though it has not happened yet, the departure of two coworkers in 6 days time.

The foreign coworkers at my white-trash dinner party on
on my "porch". Vicki*, Jessie, Sarah*, Kneath.
*departing coworkers

Again, though it has not happened just yet the forthcoming change is there: the arrival of two new foreign teachers and thereby the culmination of weeks of anticipation for so many reasons. But suffice it to say that I feel like a piece of home is coming to Korea and I couldn't be happier!

And lastly, the departure of a randomly acquired friend who though we didn't get to know each other as well as I would have liked (due to language barriers and time sensitivity of our friendship), will be greatly missed as the heart and soul of people speak the same language and need not be in the same room or country to continue their conversations.

This is now my time to pull some things out of my mind and put them into the universe where they will have the power to make changes, move someone, or touch someone's heart. These words may never be read by the person or people that I am speaking to/about, but that doesn't make their existence any less real, powerful, or purposeful.

To those of you that have left my life here in Korea (or possibly forever): I want to put into the universe my infinite gratitude for having had you in my life for whatever the amount of time I was blessed with. Thank you for sharing a part of your life with me. You will be missed, despite the rapid changes that Korea puts me through, and you will not be forgotten.

To those that have been added to my life (for whatever amount of time): I am thankful to have you and am cherishing you in these moments. Thank you for sharing this portion of your life with me in this place, in this space, at this time. You are shaping me and I am grateful.

To the universe and Korea: Thank you for teaching me what it is to settle into change (however much of an oxymoron that statement may be) and teaching me so many life lessons. I feel that when I leave Korea I will be able to handle any of the changes that life throws my way with composure and some form of grace as practice will prove to produce perfection. I am beyond grateful for the good, the bad, the happy, the difficult, the seemingly insignificant to mundane, and the (my) world-changing redesigning you have laid out for me because I know that it is all for my betterment.

So on this rainy, overcast Saturday afternoon, I raise my coffee mug in a toast to change. One of the only things in life you can be assured of. Cheers!

Is anyone "listening" to this...Or is it just me?

It feels like ages since I have posted something, and it would appear that it has been awhile, but then again, it hasn't been a much larger gap than in the past. It seems that when there is time to report on the happenings, there are no happenings to report. And now that I have things to tell you, I haven't the time to sit down and ramble away about it all. But then it occurred to me...is anyone actually even reading these ramblings anyway? This question is raised because as of yet, I have recieved no comments on my blog or any posts. Perhaps this is because the comment feature is not working. Perhaps this is because no one is commenting. Perhaps this is because no one is reading this. But whatever the case, this blog will still stand as a reminder for me of this time in my life, which in the last few weeks has held a myriad of balancing factors for me. Though this is not unusual, as life contains so many yin and yang moments that I know I often glaze over them, I am taking notice of some of the more recent ones as they seem to be in-my-face obvious. And from this state of noticing, one of the things I can say, with some degree of certainty, that I have figured out about this portion of the adventure that is my life is that for every bit of stability, there is an element of instability to force me to focus on keeping my balance. So here is my tightrope walk of the last few weeks in hopes that someone else is reading this besides me.

It has been four and a half weeks since my "vacation" fully and totally ended and life has been full of change, per usual. Things at work have proved to be in constant flux, but in an entirely different way from the first three months here, as we have started our summer camp program now. These kids come for the entire week (for the first week) then for a run of two weeks with some repeat students from the first week, and I am now staring through the sight at the final week of camp. With such a high turn over of kids usually, this slightly slower cycling through has proven to bring new appreciation all the way around. I have thoroughly enjoyed the chance to get to know so many of these kids on a better level than I ever could with them just being at the school for two or three days. Their personalities really come out as they get more and more comfortable with the staff and the other students. I have been tested as a teacher, a person, and a possessor of patience (of which it seems I am acquiring more and more of in my advancing wisdom). Friday saw the end of the two week camp and it was bitter sweet for me. There were some students I was beyond happy to see leave for what I can only hope will be the last time. But there were also students that I found myself hoping would be signed up for the upcoming week's camp. Hmm. Interesting. Who knew--she really does have a soft spot for kids. But if you tell anyone, I'll have to kill you.

So on the daily work front there is the stability in the students balanced by the somewhat unstable state/territory of the whole camp setup and how it works and at times doesn't work. I can see this same duality mirrored in the afterwork aspect of my life as well. The instability of the departure of people I would rather have seen stay longer in my life is being balanced by the stability of the addition of some really key note players in the "Tamera's gonna really enjoy her time here in Korea" area. And I have to say that the presence of these new people has me smiling, with a huge amount of gratitude, to have my usual good fortunes back. I was beginning to wonder if another one of those things I was supposed to get from this time here was the ability to pull myself back from the brink of what I can only describe as the bottomless sadness of loneliness. Please don't take that the wrong way. I really am just fine here in Korea. Honest. I've just had a lot of time to think (and you all know how dangerous THAT can be!) and I have been wondering about my abilities to be content with just my own company. This is where I dart off on a tangent. So hold on and try to follow the signs. I'll leave breadcrumbs, I promise, so we can get back to the original path.

If you don't know already, I will tell you now how big of a fan I am of the five love languages. Mine are quality time spent and physical touch. If this means nothing to you or you would rather not learn more, skip ahead to the triple asterisks below as that will be the cue that I am back on the path, otherwise, we are off deeper into this tangent.

Quality time spent means that I feel happiest, most loved, when I get to spend good, quality time, with quality people I care about. It has nothing to do with the quantity of time or people that this quality time is spent with, only the fact that both the time and the people are indeed quality. This quality time spent with quality people makes me feel like I am a valuable person, loved, special, and all the rest of the warm fuzzies you care to attach to such a feeling. At home, and in my travels until this most recent stint, I have been fortunate enough to have either a few bits of quality time with a quantity of (quality) people, or a quantity of quality time from a few (quality) people. But either way, the quality of the people was certain, and I have always had enough quality time to make me feel loved beyond measure.

Then, I came to Korea. And the ability to have even a phone conversation with my quality people became difficult if not impossible at times. And then there was the added complication of the LACK of quality of the people around me. All this totaled up to one usually fulfilled girl feeling minus some seriously needed quality in her life. And thereby lonesome, homesick, and in need of a boost. I tried to tell myself that perhaps I just needed to be enough in my life to make myself happy. But when it comes down to it, life is not a solid orb surrounding each of us individually and keeping us separate. It is a semipermeable membrane through which others freely flow in and out and thereby greatly affect us. And I haven't come to much more of a conclusion about what this all means for/to me other than I know I deeply cherish my friends and am trying to work every day on being the kind of person that if I only had quality time with myself this would still afford me a sense of contentment, fullness, and completeness (though I don't know if this is possible) that I feel when I spend time with those I care so much for and who care so much for me.

So on this tangent into the woods of my mind I would like to sit down on the semi-cleared path I have made and say to those that may be reading this that I have ever said "I love you" to, it is true. I do love you. And I miss you. And I am thankful for any and every second that I have or will have you in my life. Now, let's dust off and head back to the actual path of this post, shall we?

***So I've seen the solid and not-so-solid of work life, social life, and now for the personal aspect of it. I have seen some interesting things come out of my personality with my time here in Korea thus far. I have seen the stability and steadfastness of some traits and the instability of fleetingness of others. For good or bad, I am processing the changes coming forth and back. I am sorting out the ones that I would like to make a more permanent resident of my person and leaving others in the bin for someone else to pick up if they so chose. But some things I know for sure are: I appreciate a positive attitude where I can find it, a kindness when it is given regardless of the giver, the reminiscent comfort of all things that are "home," and myself. I appreciate myself. Even on my bad days. Even when no one else within arms reach does. I do. And THAT is enough, even if at times it may not feel like it, I know that it is. So, if no one else reads the words that I have written here, I wrote them anyway, for me.